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Stress is sneaky. On busy days we might ignore psychological and physiological signs like shoulder tension, ruminations, and irritability. When we don’t intervene early enough, we might catch ourselves yelling at other drivers, stonewalling family and friends while we clamor to complete projects, the mounting responsibilities life sometimes engenders.
Sometimes our irritability even surprises us. We said “yes” to the project, “yes” to the task but when focused energy starts to decrease, we might have bitter thoughts of “why did I start this project,” “why didn’t they do more planning before asking for my help,” “why does everyone expect me to do so much?”. Left unchecked a welcomed opportunity might turn into a resented obligation with us blaming others for that sneaky stress.
When we are emotionally flooded our perception of reality can become distorted. This distortion is known as emotional reasoning. When we cannot slow our thoughts enough to assess and rationalize why we are feeling and thinking as we are, we can judge reality through the experience of our emotions. For example, we feel angry so it makes sense to be angry, but without emotional reasoning we might see a different reality. Maybe our employer didn’t ask us to stay late. Maybe we didn’t have to take the additional project when we have three unfinished. Maybe we were in the commuter’s blind spot. Maybe we aren’t ignorant, incapable as we think, and maybe when our friend said “how are you” they were trying to connect versus mock us.
So what to do when enough is enough?
Embody
Notice
Own
Understand
Go
Help
When we Embody our tension, we might start to become aware of our physical sensations and surroundings. Before we can explain our emotions, we first sense them. When our brains process from bottom to top, we experience physiological symptoms of distress before we can psychologically rationalize or explain them. Embodying the moment slows our thinking so we can then Notice changes.
Noticing is not judging. It is an objective observation that creates mental and emotional room for us to then start Owning our contribution to the distress and deciding what we can do in the moment. What is within our control. Once we own our contributions or widen our perception, we might start to Understand that emotional reasoning and emotional flooding are normal, but we are responsible for our actions. Of course, there will be times that we experience sneaky stress or overwhelm and understanding this allows us to separate from the clutches of our emotions and perceive the experience more fully.
Once we start understanding we can Go to a quieter place to allow our emotions to further dissipate encouraging a more even temper. From a sense of equanimity, we might more logically see the various factors that caused stress to take over. That might mean stepping outside or going to a more secluded or quite space, maybe getting a satisfying snack. Maybe simply allow yourself a couple of minutes to daydream, looking out into nature or city scenes from a window. Be practical and use the resources based on context. These steps contribute to Helping.
Helping ourselves reassess the factors that led to the overload may free us from the unwanted feelings that frequently follow those sneaky stress attacks. Start fighting these two “e’s”, emotional flooding and emotional reasoning , by embodying your experience versus habitually accepting it. Who knows it may lead to a better relationship with yourself and others.
Communication can be one of the toughest interactions to get right and yet we constantly rely on its accuracy.
Learning language from a young age we are shaped by our familial, cultural, and academic influences. We speak from personal experiences through unique biopsychosocial selves. These nuanced filters can unintentionally lead to interpersonal misunderstandings when words, gestures, and subtexts get lost in translation.
For example, when we innocuously tell our partners “You have to give me space” they may associate this phrase with past rejections and respond based on that association. One easy trick that therapists like to encourage is the “I” statement. This little adjustment can help clarify the speaker’s intent to reduce miscommunication. Before exploring the “I” statement let’s first follow the “you” statement.
Partner seeking solitude “You have to give me space to think about the day.” Listener “I do give you space.” “No you don’t, you give yourself space when you want to watch TV and no longer feel like talking.” “That’s not true, last week I listened to you talk for hours about work and ignored what I wanted to do.” “Hours. Really?” And on it goes. Now let’s follow the “I” statement.
Partner seeking solitude “I need space to think about the day.” Depending on the listener’s felt relationship-security this simple modification may still stir questions “why, what happened,” “is this about last night’s argument,” etc, so another step may be helpful.
Generally, “I” statements decrease defensiveness, and still this partner’s request may be clearer with emotional vocabulary. What are emotion words? Considering words like uneasy, tired, distracted, angry, exasperated, sad. These examples offer the listener a different perspective. Let’s give it a try and expand the “I” statement to include emotion.
Partner seeking solitude “I need space to think about the day; it has left me tired and unfocused.” Listener “Wow, that was a day.” Maybe the listener still wonders if this is about them, about the recent argument, or maybe they don’t want to give solitude because they are eager to engage and share their work day or recent events but with the added emotion vocabulary the listener is starting to develop empathy as they imagine their partner’s psychological state, making them more likely to honor the partner’s needs when their partner’s intent becomes clearer.
Reminding ourselves we are not alone in partnerships, we can further expand this “I” statement and emotion by giving the third and final modification: reassurance.
Partner seeking solitude “I need space to think about the day; it has left me tired and unfocused. I love you. I just need space to relax” or “I would like to spend time with you. I just need space for myself first.” A mouthful? Yes. And considerate of the relationship as you teach your partner to hear your needs while you acknowledge their value and create appropriate boundaries. These verbal courtesies can also create respectful boundaries for those occasions when space is needed because, in fact, of a recent argument or misunderstanding. We can still use “I” statements, use emotional labeling, and offer reassurance.
With all of our differences it sometimes seems we are speaking a different language. Afterall we were clear. How did they misunderstand us? Decreasing these lost in translation moments can translate to fewer misunderstandings and maybe even honor differences and needs.
Who hasn’t used a rhetorical question? We use them to further our opinions with friends, coworkers, and children, sometimes ourselves. Maybe the inital intent was to be playful but as common as they are rarely do we consider how often rhetorical questions can be ineffective and damaging. Instead of improving connections they can pick at the confidence and trust relationships need. The target of rhetorical questions is frequently made to feel inferior. Disguised as questions, these aggressive statements might ultimately make both parties defensive. Interfering with more production engagements like problem solving, consequential thinking, and empathy. Here’s an example.
“How many times do I need to remind you?”
The questioner seems to want an answer but at what cost. If the questioner follows this righteous questioning, they risk becoming more agitated. Possibly becoming reactive and self-referential, creating fewer opportunities for dialogue. The target of these rhetorical questions can feel overwhelmed from the double bind these questions present. They might attempt to explain the mistake which can sometimes fuel the questioner’s desire to rebuttal.
“What were you thinking?”
These questions can feel threatening and cause some recipients to become temporarily psychologically blocked. Overtime, unable to appease the questioner or receive validation, the recipient may start to lack confidence. This is a common tactic in cases of intimate partner violence and other emotionally abusive relationships. Previous security with the questioner may erode from damaged trust and emotional doubt. Instead of turning towards the questioner when the recipient realizes they may have made a mistake, they will turn away.
“How many times did I tell you to (fill in numerous possibilities)?”
Rhetorical questions are meant to prove a point. They can be insulting and embarrassing. Sneering at the targets “limitations.” The questioner ultimately creates relational disconnect when long-term questions like these damage relationships that may take time, awareness, and effort to heal, if ever.
Interpersonal communication requires listening skills, negotiation, and empathy. Take a few minutes to write the above rhetorical questions and replace them with more relation-seeking statements, e.g. “I feel angry because I don’t think you were paying attention.” Being more specific and less critical is one step towards creating a safer space to air grievances.