Communication can be one of the toughest interactions to get right and yet we constantly rely on its accuracy.
Learning language from a young age we are shaped by our familial, cultural, and academic influences. We speak from personal experiences through unique biopsychosocial selves. These nuanced filters can unintentionally lead to interpersonal misunderstandings when words, gestures, and subtexts get lost in translation.
For example, when we innocuously tell our partners “You have to give me space” they may associate this phrase with past rejections and respond based on that association. One easy trick that therapists like to encourage is the “I” statement. This little adjustment can help clarify the speaker’s intent to reduce miscommunication. Before exploring the “I” statement let’s first follow the “you” statement.
Partner seeking solitude “You have to give me space to think about the day.” Listener “I do give you space.” “No you don’t, you give yourself space when you want to watch TV and no longer feel like talking.” “That’s not true, last week I listened to you talk for hours about work and ignored what I wanted to do.” “Hours. Really?” And on it goes. Now let’s follow the “I” statement.
Partner seeking solitude “I need space to think about the day.” Depending on the listener’s felt relationship-security this simple modification may still stir questions “why, what happened,” “is this about last night’s argument,” etc, so another step may be helpful.
Generally, “I” statements decrease defensiveness, and still this partner’s request may be clearer with emotional vocabulary. What are emotion words? Considering words like uneasy, tired, distracted, angry, exasperated, sad. These examples offer the listener a different perspective. Let’s give it a try and expand the “I” statement to include emotion.
Partner seeking solitude “I need space to think about the day; it has left me tired and unfocused.” Listener “Wow, that was a day.” Maybe the listener still wonders if this is about them, about the recent argument, or maybe they don’t want to give solitude because they are eager to engage and share their work day or recent events but with the added emotion vocabulary the listener is starting to develop empathy as they imagine their partner’s psychological state, making them more likely to honor the partner’s needs when their partner’s intent becomes clearer.
Reminding ourselves we are not alone in partnerships, we can further expand this “I” statement and emotion by giving the third and final modification: reassurance.
Partner seeking solitude “I need space to think about the day; it has left me tired and unfocused. I love you. I just need space to relax” or “I would like to spend time with you. I just need space for myself first.” A mouthful? Yes. And considerate of the relationship as you teach your partner to hear your needs while you acknowledge their value and create appropriate boundaries. These verbal courtesies can also create respectful boundaries for those occasions when space is needed because, in fact, of a recent argument or misunderstanding. We can still use “I” statements, use emotional labeling, and offer reassurance.
With all of our differences it sometimes seems we are speaking a different language. Afterall we were clear. How did they misunderstand us? Decreasing these lost in translation moments can translate to fewer misunderstandings and maybe even honor differences and needs.