Who hasn’t used a rhetorical question? We use them to further our opinions with friends, coworkers, and children, sometimes ourselves. Maybe the inital intent was to be playful but as common as they are rarely do we consider how often rhetorical questions can be ineffective and damaging. Instead of improving connections they can pick at the confidence and trust relationships need. The target of rhetorical questions is frequently made to feel inferior. Disguised as questions, these aggressive statements might ultimately make both parties defensive. Interfering with more production engagements like problem solving, consequential thinking, and empathy. Here’s an example.
“How many times do I need to remind you?”
The questioner seems to want an answer but at what cost. If the questioner follows this righteous questioning, they risk becoming more agitated. Possibly becoming reactive and self-referential, creating fewer opportunities for dialogue. The target of these rhetorical questions can feel overwhelmed from the double bind these questions present. They might attempt to explain the mistake which can sometimes fuel the questioner’s desire to rebuttal.
“What were you thinking?”
These questions can feel threatening and cause some recipients to become temporarily psychologically blocked. Overtime, unable to appease the questioner or receive validation, the recipient may start to lack confidence. This is a common tactic in cases of intimate partner violence and other emotionally abusive relationships. Previous security with the questioner may erode from damaged trust and emotional doubt. Instead of turning towards the questioner when the recipient realizes they may have made a mistake, they will turn away.
“How many times did I tell you to (fill in numerous possibilities)?”
Rhetorical questions are meant to prove a point. They can be insulting and embarrassing. Sneering at the targets “limitations.” The questioner ultimately creates relational disconnect when long-term questions like these damage relationships that may take time, awareness, and effort to heal, if ever.
Interpersonal communication requires listening skills, negotiation, and empathy. Take a few minutes to write the above rhetorical questions and replace them with more relation-seeking statements, e.g. “I feel angry because I don’t think you were paying attention.” Being more specific and less critical is one step towards creating a safer space to air grievances.