Ironically, communication is sometimes the toughest interaction to get right and yet we constantly rely on its accuracy.
Learning language from a young age we are shaped by our academic and familial models, as well as life experiences. We speak from personal experiences through unique biopsychosocial selves. These filters easily lead to interpersonal misunderstandings when words, gestures, and subtexts get lost in translation.
So when we innocuously tell our partners “You have to give me space” they may associate with past rejections and respond accordingly. Conversely using “I” statements can help clarify the speaker’s intent lessening the chance of miscommunication. Before exploring the “I” statement let’s first follow the “you” statement.
Partner seeking solitude “You have to give me space to think about the day.” Listener “I do give you space.” “No you don’t, you give yourself space when you want to watch TV and no longer feel like talking.” “That’s not true, last week I listened to you talk for hours about work and ignored what I wanted to do.” “Hours. Really?” And so it goes. Now let’s follow the “I” statement.
Partner seeking solitude “I need space to think about the day.” Depending on the listener’s felt relationship-security this simple modification may still stir questions “why, what happened,” “is this about last night’s argument,” etc, so another step may be necessary.
Generally, “I” statements decrease defensiveness, and yet this request may be clearer with emotional vocabulary. Using emotional words, considering words like uneasy, tired, distracted, angry, exasperated, sad, offers the listener a different perspective. Let’s expand the “I” statement to include emotion.
Partner seeking solitude “I need space to think about the day; it has left me tired and unfocused.” Listener “Wow, that is a day.” Maybe the listener still wonders if this is about them, about the recent argument, or maybe they don’t want to give solitude because they are eager to engage and share their work day or recent events but with the added emotion vocabulary the listener is starting to develop empathy as they imagine their partner’s emotional state, making them more likely to honor the partner’s needs as their partner’s intent becomes clearer.
Remembering we are not alone in partnerships we can further expand this “I” statement with emotion by giving the third and final modification: reassurance.
Partner seeking solitude “I need space to think about the day; it has left me tired and unfocused. I love you. I just need space to relax” or “I would like to spend time with you. I just need space for myself first.” A mouthful? Yes. And considerate of the relationship as you teach your partner to hear your needs while you acknowledge their value and create appropriate boundaries. These verbal courtesies can also create respectful boundaries for those occasions when exasperation is, in fact, residual from a recent argument or misunderstanding.
With all of our differences it sometimes seems we are speaking a different language. Afterall we were clear. How did they misunderstand us. With simple modifications we can adapt language so that we are more accurately heard. Decreasing losses in translation translates to fewer misunderstandings and maybe even honoring differences and needs.