If you haven’t already, take a few minutes and start to consider what you would like to address during counseling. What are some of your goals, and expectations of the process and your therapist. Maybe jot these ideas down for future reference, and take a look around the website. Email any questions you may have, and if I feel like a good fit let’s set the first appointment and together explore your goals and expectations.
Stress can be sneaky. On busy days we ignore psychological and physiological signals of shoulder tension, rumination, and irritability. When we don’t intervene, we might catch ourselves yelling at other drivers, stonewalling family and friends while we clamor to complete projects, the mounting responsibilities life engenders.
Sometimes our irritability even surprises us. We said “yes” to this project, “yes” to the task because, really, maybe excited to participate and watch our creativity, effort evolve. When focused energy starts to get low we might have bitter thoughts of “why did I start this project,” “why didn’t they do more planning before asking for my help,” “why does everyone expect me to do so much?”. A welcomed opportunity has turned into a resented obligation and others are to blame and no one else knows how this feels.
When we are emotionally flooded reality can become distorted. This distortion is known as emotional reasoning. When we cannot slow our thoughts enough to track our emotions they have more power to obscure reality. Without emotional reasoning we might see a different reality. Maybe our employer didn’t ask us to stay late. Maybe we didn’t have to take the additional project when we have three unfinished. Maybe we were in the commuter’s blind spot. Maybe we aren’t ignorant, incapable as we think, and maybe when our friend said “how are you” they were trying to connect versus accuse us.
So what to do when enough is enough?
Embody
Notice
Own
Understand
Go
Help
When we Embody our tension, we start to become aware of our physical sensations and surroundings. Before we can explain our emotions, we first sense them. When our brains process from bottom to top we experience physiological symptoms of distress before we can psychologically (our brain’s executive thinker was the last to evolve) identify them. Embodying the moment slows things down for us to then Notice changes.
Noticing is not judging. It is an objective observation that creates mental and emotional room for us to then start Owning our contribution to the distress and deciding what we can do in the moment. What is within our control. Once we own our contributions or the changes, it is important to Understand emotional reasoning and flooding is normal. Occasionally we all experience various intensities of stress or overwhelm. Understanding this allows us to separate from the clutches of shame and guilt (unless we need to apologize for our actions) to make room for self-compassion and forgiveness.
Once we start understanding we can Go to a quieter place to allow emotions to further dissipate encouraging a more even temper. That might mean stepping outside or to a restroom. Be practical and use the resources based on context. These steps contribute to Helping.
Helping ourselves without undue blame and a little more self-control. These steps can free us from the guilt and self shame frequently felt during and after emotional flooding and emotional reasoning. Start fighting these two “e’s” by embodying your experience versus habitually accepting it. Who knows it may lead to a better relationship with yourself and others.
Ironically, communication is sometimes the toughest interaction to get right and yet we constantly rely on its accuracy.
Learning language from a young age we are shaped by our academic and familial models, as well as life experiences. We speak from personal experiences through unique biopsychosocial selves. These filters easily lead to interpersonal misunderstandings when words, gestures, and subtexts get lost in translation.
So when we innocuously tell our partners “You have to give me space” they may associate with past rejections and respond accordingly. Conversely using “I” statements can help clarify the speaker’s intent lessening the chance of miscommunication. Before exploring the “I” statement let’s first follow the “you” statement.
Partner seeking solitude “You have to give me space to think about the day.” Listener “I do give you space.” “No you don’t, you give yourself space when you want to watch TV and no longer feel like talking.” “That’s not true, last week I listened to you talk for hours about work and ignored what I wanted to do.” “Hours. Really?” And so it goes. Now let’s follow the “I” statement.
Partner seeking solitude “I need space to think about the day.” Depending on the listener’s felt relationship-security this simple modification may still stir questions “why, what happened,” “is this about last night’s argument,” etc, so another step may be necessary.
Generally, “I” statements decrease defensiveness, and yet this request may be clearer with emotional vocabulary. Using emotional words, considering words like uneasy, tired, distracted, angry, exasperated, sad, offers the listener a different perspective. Let’s expand the “I” statement to include emotion.
Partner seeking solitude “I need space to think about the day; it has left me tired and unfocused.” Listener “Wow, that is a day.” Maybe the listener still wonders if this is about them, about the recent argument, or maybe they don’t want to give solitude because they are eager to engage and share their work day or recent events but with the added emotion vocabulary the listener is starting to develop empathy as they imagine their partner’s emotional state, making them more likely to honor the partner’s needs as their partner’s intent becomes clearer.
Remembering we are not alone in partnerships we can further expand this “I” statement with emotion by giving the third and final modification: reassurance.
Partner seeking solitude “I need space to think about the day; it has left me tired and unfocused. I love you. I just need space to relax” or “I would like to spend time with you. I just need space for myself first.” A mouthful? Yes. And considerate of the relationship as you teach your partner to hear your needs while you acknowledge their value and create appropriate boundaries. These verbal courtesies can also create respectful boundaries for those occasions when exasperation is, in fact, residual from a recent argument or misunderstanding.
With all of our differences it sometimes seems we are speaking a different language. Afterall we were clear. How did they misunderstand us. With simple modifications we can adapt language so that we are more accurately heard. Decreasing losses in translation translates to fewer misunderstandings and maybe even honoring differences and needs.
Most of us have used rhetorical questions to further a point with friends, coworkers, our children and ourselves. Sometimes they are playful and well received but as common as they are rarely do we consider how often rhetorical questions are ineffective and damaging. Instead of improving connections they can dissolve confidence and trust relationships need. The target is frequently made to feel inferior. Disguised as questions, these aggressive statements might ultimately make both parties defensive. Interrupting problem solving, consequential thinking, and empathy.
“How many times do I need to remind you?”
The questioner seems to want answers but once presented rarely are they satisfied. The questioner becomes preoccupied with agitations. Their insight is clouded. They become reactive and self focused. Instead of creating or making opportunity for dialogue they start seeking validation and apologies. The target can become overwhelmed, feeling pressure to answer, attempting to explain the mistake and internally doubting their own actions and motives versus spotlighting the questioner’s aggressive behavior.
“What were you thinking?”
These questions can cause psychological blocks feeling emotionally threatening to our nervous system. Overtime, unable to appease the questioner or receive validation, the questioned may start to lack confidence and/ or gain resentment. The connection with the questioner may also eventually erode from damaged trust and emotional insecurity. Instead of turning towards the other person when sensing they have made a mistake they will turn away from these people who may be a friend or partner.
“How many times did I tell you to (fill in numerous possibilities)?”
Rhetorical questions are meant to prove a point. They can be insulting and embarrassing. Sneering at the targets “limitations.” Bombarding someone with these aggressive statements creates confusion as the accused typically becomes defensive, starting cyclic arguing or shutting down. Over the long-term emotional chasms can lead to damaged relationships that may take time to heal if ever.
The questioner ultimately creates relational disconnect. Interpersonal communication requires listening skills, negotiation, and empathy. Take a few minutes to write the above rhetorical questions and replace them with more relation-seeking statements, e.g. “I feel angry because I didn’t think you were paying attention.” Being more specific and less critical is one step towards creating a safer space to air grievances.